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[13 Feb 2009|11:43pm] |
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Sooo,
I just had a first real date in the longest time tonight.
(Technically my second with this boy because we got coffee on Wednesday)
To put the icing on the cake: he's 21 (about to be 22 and older than my brother) and he picked my up.
So the family got to peak out the window at him.
One word: awkward!
Overall it was a good time though.
It's exciting though because he's a gentleman and this is definitely a first for me!
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| missing myself. |
[17 Nov 2008|09:23pm] |
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somewhere along the way i've lost myself.
i was just reading through old messages on myspace and i see old bulletins i've written and those who replied to me
and i'm just not the same person.
i've lost so much excitement and kindness and it's been replaced by a cynical and sad person.
i just want some my of joy back.
i want a fresh start.
i want those i love back.
i want a fresh start.
and i want to cry.
i was so carefree at once and i know exactly when this change of personality started.
i feel like i've pushed everyone away over the years.
somewhere between the teen drinking and partying and the experiments i've disappeared.
i wish i wasn't so cynical anymore.
i don't know how to change either.
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| RIP. |
[22 Oct 2008|05:04pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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Last night I heard a helicopter flying exceptionally close to my house.
At the time I didn't pay any attention and just figured it was a local military or police helicopter.
This morning I walked out to my car around 7:15 am before school, and noticed my neighbor's house was filled more cars than usual.
Again, I paid no attention to it.
I finished getting ready and went to school.
8:30 am, I'm sitting in 1st period when I get a text message from my friend.
My neighbor and fellow student had died this morning from a car wreck.
It all began to fall into place: that's why I heard the helicopter, thats why his house was full of cars.
I'm in complete shock that Kevin is gone.. I have no words to desribe how to accept this.
We had been neighbors since we were babies, we went to elementary school together, I've grown up with him.
We were like family as kids, his house was my second home, we were inseparable growing up.
And now he's just gone.. like that.
Now, unfortunately that it's too late, I'm not proud to say that upon entering middle school Kevin and I began to have different classes and didn't talk as much as we did when we were 9 or 10.
But now, our senior year, we had a class together.
Suddenly, now that it's too late, I just can't help but stop and be overwhelmed by all these old memories.
I didn't realize how upset I was over this until now.
I tried not to get too upset at school today, but my fifth period, which I used to have with him, was so difficult.
The room was silent, everyone was sobbing, and the teacher tried to console everyone but ended up breaking down into tears herself.
It's been difficult and now that I've had time to let this really sink in, and really let memories of old times with him race through my head, I just feel beside myself.
He was such a good person and had the potential to do so much.
It would have taken me 15 seconds to walk down to his house to say hi more often,
and I'll be walking down there soon, but it's too late now.. and for all the wrong reasons.
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| your heart is gonna tear mine away. |
[21 Oct 2008|11:15pm] |
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I guess when you are talking to an ex who currently has a girlfriend you get put on the back burner a lot.
That's fine, it's just that I get so impatient.
Most would say that I shouldn't even be talking to him the way I am if he has a girlfriend,
but with our situation I can't help but ask if he was ever really hers to begin with.
And this time around I refuse to just do things on his time, I have a schedule too,
and I don't plan on dropping everything the second I hear from him.
It's always at the oddest hours that he'll text me, and it's frustrating.
If he texts me at 11:45 one night, and I'm sleeping, what makes him think I'll be waiting up for his text message the next night at 12 am?
I guess I want to be able to have my cake and eat it too.
I want to be able to talk and be with him again, but not just when he wants to - on my time as well.
I guess, like I said before, that comes with this kind of situation.
I don't even know why he's with her.
I should feel awful for what's been going on, but he's relights the flame.. everytime.
And it's especially not fair that he always gets my hopes up like this, but I guess, really, I get my own hopes up because I allowed myself to get this invested, again.
Shame on me.
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[20 Oct 2008|09:07pm] |
I love the story of the frightened wave.
It appears a little wave was bouncing along in the sea having a wonderful time.
Suddenly the wave notices that he is going to crash into the beach.
The wave begins to cry and scream.
Another wave bounces up and asks him what is wrong
"Don't you see that we are going to crash into the beach and die!", he yells.
"Don't you realize," says the other wave patiently,
"that you are not a wave. You are a part of the ocean."
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| If you love something, set it free... |
[06 Oct 2008|07:09pm] |
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And they say if it comes back, it's yours.
And he came back.
But I'm too busy questioning the reasons.
I always write about Ryan, but he's always finding a way to creep back into my life.
The other day I thought about it, and I decided on something that really put everything into perspective.
I've known him since I was in 8th grade, I'm now a senior, and he's always been a part of my life; whether it was a large or small part.
It's like everytime I'm moved on and I'm possibly interested in someone else, he knows.
And then he'll text me or find a way to contact me.
This is about the 90th time it's happened and it makes closure and moving on impossible.
We abruptly stopped talking after finally being in a whirlwind rendezvous after years of talking and joking about it.
I've never been so physcially attracted to anyone else, and although over the years we had bcome amazing friends, this new part of our relationship was heavily based on the physical side.
Our relationship was like a long sought after dream and it was finally reality.
The one vital piece of information though: he was my brother's best friend.
And once my brother found out things did not end pleasently.
And then it stopped. Well, he just stopped talking to me.
This was July of last year. Upset, and confused after, for the first time ever, even half way allowing myself to open up to someone I was a mess.
Regret consumed my days and nights as the "should haves" crept through my mind, and I scolded myself for not appreciating the days I had with him, not realizing it would so easily slip through my fingers.
There was so much more I had wanted to experience and share with him, but it was gone. Then, I found out he was with a new girl. I felt confused and even worse - especially since they seemed happy together. But I tried to just push past it and enjoy my days.
The beginning of October rolled around and I start to receive "I miss you" text messages from him.
But wait, what about his girlfriend? Was I supposed to just accept him back into my life after he just stopped talking to me?
My anger got the best of me, along with a case of biased advce, and I let him slip away from me once more.
The regret crept back and I immediately second guessed my decision.
December.
I felt a mess. I let myself slip into a hole of self-pity and I missed him.
No one seemed to compare or seem interesting and at this point I just missed him as a friend, most of all.
I ran into him at a party and things became a train wreck, confronting him with why he'd just stop talking to me I quickly became upset.
I had to let my brother's girlfriend (and a friend of mine) talk to him for me while I left, upset.
He apologized for what he had done, stating the reason he'd stopped talking to me was because my brother, his friend, was constantly mad at him for him "sneaking around" with me.
I accepted this form of apology adnd felt some closure.
It was time to move on.
Until... we had an akward run in at New Year's Eve.
We both just stood there looking at each other, wanting to say something.
It was a beyond akward moment for everyone involved and who witnessed it.
Since then I told myself it was a new year, and he had a girlfriend and it was time I stopped wallowing in times of the past.
I felt like a new person and my attitude did a full turn around.
I was a happier person.
But every now and then I'd slip and start missing him again.
A month ago. Finally I was interested in someone new, although it was going now where it was a positive step forward.
Suddenly, it was like Ryan sensed it.
I received a message from him on MySpace.
Then he got on AIM (which he hadn't been on in over a year) and IMs me on my newest screen name (which I didn't even know he had) and proceedes to chat with me insisting that "Myspace is too slow to talk on".
It seemed he was determined to talk to me.
Normal, akward conversation slowly drifted to him going on about how he missed me, and talking about the past, and how he missed our texting conversations.
This was three weeks ago, since then things have been steamy between us, and he'll text me in the mornings and evenings.
Although.. he has a girlfriend.
Although it's somewhat awful of me to have more than friend relation with him since he has a girlfriend, he struck this whole situation up, and I'm completely ignoring the fact he's dating someone.
I feel this is a second chance almost?
I told myself that if we keep running into each other and coming back to each other this much.. it has to mean a least something, right? And especially since this coming and going between us, mainly him, has been happening since we've known each other.
But then today I read a comment on his girlfriends MySpace from him saying how she was "the most perfect person" and how he loves her so much "and coulddn't ask for more".
Which lead me to believe that he's lying to one of us.. and I can't decide who.
So, I think I've just decided to go with the flow, not get my heart involved, and just have fun with him. Hopefully it gets me somewhere and I dont have more regret than I started with.
Any feedback?
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| What's wrong with LJ? |
[18 Aug 2008|08:13pm] |
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When I typed livejournal.com int my toolbar and it brough the site up, it already had me logged inton SOMEBODY elses LJ?
Not to mention, it's all crazy and when I hit entries it sends me to a new website that just displays an icon?
How weird.. Is this just happening to my account?
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| overwhelmed. |
[12 Aug 2008|11:33pm] |
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Ugh, I am feeling beyond overwhelmed about being a senior, and college applications.
I feel like I'm going to choke on all my anxiety.
I wasn't feeling this anxious until I switched my very set, and very do-able college plans.
Now, I'm trying to get into a tougher school, UF, where I have a 50/50 chance.
And they don't release their list of accepted applicants until February.
But I'm applying to other schools, UCF and FSU, but I'll find out if I'm accepted there way before I know if I actually by chance made it into UF.
I just don't want to wait around to long when I'm accepted to FSU, and get the shaft because I waited so long to hear that I got denied to UF.
Not to mention, I had a full-proof, very set in stone plan for college.
Go to UCF with my best friend who I've grown up with and everything will be peachy keen.
Then I realized that UCF doesn't offer my desired major - criminology, and that only FSU and UF do.
(Well, of the school I'd like to go to at least)
And I don't thnk my friend will even consider FSU, which is where I feel I will end up, and I just can't even picture the day we have to split ways. (As lame as that sounds)
But I don't want to put my future aside, and settle on some other lame major at UCF to stay with my friend in a city we both like over going to another school for a major I want.
I think this is just a big reality shock for me, and I feel like I can't handle it.
It's making me feel listless and easily irritable - I just want to kind of mope, and not be around anyone.
And not to sound like I'm on a high horse, but I feel like I have to go to college with my friend because we motivate each other.
And I can see him, more than me, procrastinating a lot and going out rather than being focused.
Like.. I feel like he needs me to be there other wise he will get off track.
I've had to pester him to do his summer homework, and then he just asked to copy mine out of laziness.
But for the first time ever I have found myself more driven and motivated to accomplish my dream of becoming a medical examiner, and I don't want to let anything stop me from doing so.
And I guess I shouldn't put that aside for other people.
Ugh.. I really don't even know.
I feel like I just want to cry.
Please tell me everyone feels like this when dealing with the issue of college?
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| But all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who'd out drew you. |
[17 Jul 2008|12:21am] |
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music |
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jeff buckley - hallelujah <3 |
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Is it really natural as a human being to have no regrets?
Because I can easily pick out days of my past that are summed up by the single thought of, "If only I did that differently".
And I carry around the weight of those regrets everyday, they are in every waking moment, and I can't seem to get passed them.
My regrets have affected everything about the person I am today.
Maybe just at this point in my life they are regrets, but eventually with time I will learn to accept them as experience, rather than just carrying around displeased and unsatisfying feelings.
I can only hope that's how it works becuase I just hate having an unbearing feeling that everything is wrong, and constantly hoping and wishing that if only I could change things I'd like my todays just a bit more.
It's sickening replaying moments over and over in my head, analyzing every misstep.
The weight of my mistakes are like an anchor just holding me in place, never fully allowing me to move on.
I don't know how to move on from this.
And sadly, it's just one regret, one mistake that's keeping me glued in the past.
"Every mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied."
- Pearl S. Buck
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[28 Jun 2008|12:53am] |
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Even though I still have one year of highschool left,
I'm already looking at housing for college.
It's rather overwhelming and quite expensive.
I probably shouldn't have worried about it because now I feel the pressure is on.
Not to mention I feel I a large amount of pressure to get good scores on my ACT/SAT
so I can apply for 100% Bright Futures Scholarships.
Argh.
I just suck at really sitting down and studying for them, I mean I know I have the brains to do well, I just suck at taking standardized test.
Which blows .. I'm just really going to have to sit down and study.
Because I'm relying on scholarships.
Ugh, again.. the pressure is on!
I can't even enjoy summer because I'm constantly stressing and worrying about the future.
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| How To Make A Difference |
[10 Jun 2008|07:23pm] |
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Does anyone have any good suggestions on what to do in my community to show that I care and hope to make a difference?
Any special projects I could help organize.. or oganizations/clubs I could join ..?
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[09 Jun 2008|05:14pm] |
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I feel this couldn't be more true .. it makes me want to stop and appreciate more. <33
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| bah. |
[08 Jun 2008|01:21am] |
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ugh, i need a boyfriend.
enough said!
i hate running into exes.
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| sexual abuse. |
[05 Jun 2008|03:20pm] |
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I've had a best friend of the opposite sex since I was in the first grade.
We've been practically inseperable and incredibly close.
We're pretty sure on most days we share the same brain because we've been around each other so long we think identically yet, we think completely different about some things: he is excellent at math, i am excellent at reading and writing.
Most days without even speaking, we have a mutual understanding of most everything in life.
But while we grew up he was teased a lot about being gay.
I never really knew for sure but, I had never seen any signs that pointed out he would be.
He always seemed to have an interest in girls, I'd find him saying, "Oh she's pretty!".
I've always defended him in these circumstances - when I'm pulled aside by someone and they'd lay the million dollar question on me, "Is he gay?"
Then last year when I showed up to school with a hickey on my neck and it was revealed that I was seeing someone
my best friend proved to be crushed - we didn't speak for all of summer.
When school started back up we eventually rebuilt our friendship and after a while we proved to be better friends than before.
He had met some new friends at his work, a place that is notoriously known for highering many bums and low lifes, so i was a bit apprehensive about the people he'd say he was meeting and befriending.
He would tell me of the odd characters he'd meet at his work and some proved to be decent, despite working in such a low-life job.
But, suddenly one character was sticking out more than others, a guy named Trevor.
Him and Trevor seemed to hang out a lot, he'd eat dinner at Trevor's house and Trevor would come home from college every weeked and thyey would hang out. I picked up that something suspicious was going on when he became highly secretive about his text messages.
I started asking around to close friends.. "Do YOU know Trevor .. he graduated last year?"
But I proved to come to a dead end in m Sherlock Holmes mystery hunt.
Although, I revealed to my other best friend Kirsten that I had a hunch something suspicious was going on, and when a gay friend of mine told me that my best friend was gay it was the final clue.
After a few months Trevor seemed to disapear and I let it go, while my theory lay dormat in the back of my head.
Two nights ago he was at my house and it was late, my parents had gone to bed, and we we're watching TV.
We began having a serious talk - just about people and life and feelings.
Then I will never forget what he said next:
"I know you don't like hearing stuff like this but.. from when I was 6 to 8 years old Jon (his older step brother) sexually abused me and beat me up."
My heart seemed to stop, I felt frozen .. had I really just heard this?
He continued, "..since then I haven always struggled with who I was and .. I think I'm gay"
Putting the icing on the cake, he told me he and Trevor had been dating - just about what I thought.
Like a wife who has suspected her husband of infidelity, my brain had already accepted the idea of him being gay and, now that it was presented in front of me it wasn't a hard pill to swallow.
What was hard to hear was that his older step had sexually abused him.
Two days later I find myself still hearing him say this.
What frightened me was that he was so forgiving of it, he had said he always had a hard time being mad at anyone, and he wasn't angry at his step brother.
I just don't know what to do about it, I don't know how to accept it.
I find myself thinking about driving to his step brother's house and kicking the shit out of him.
And what's even scarier is that since his brother got home from the military about 2 year ago I have always gotten a "vibe" from him.
He has piercing eyes and when he looked at me I felt he could jump across the room and attack me at any moment.
My best friend hasn't told him mom this - and we both agreed it was RIP his family apart, his dad would KILL his older brother.
But I feel like I need to convince him that he shouldn't be so forgiving of his step brother.
Granted, I don't think he should have to walk around holding on to his anger but, he should respect himself to realize his step brother was in the wrong and he deserves justice.
And over all, his step brother has a fiance - what if they have kids?
And when he tells his mom he is gay he has to explain the story to her, it would be unfair to place the thought on her that maybe she had done something.
I am totally accepting of his choice to be gay, homosexuality being something that has never phased me, but I just cant process the fact he was sexually abused.
What can I say to him?
Because I don't want it to come off like it's bad he's gay, thats not it at all, but I want him to know that being abused isn't something he should just accept.
Does anyone have any simiar advice or stories because my brain just can't even process this and I feel like I am now carrying his hate and anger for his step brother.
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| Settle For A Slow Down. |
[21 May 2008|11:25pm] |
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My birthday was Monday, woo.
The big 17!
Not really, nothing too monumental about turning 17 - I actually felt rather indifferent about it.
This time of the month is killing me.
This time last year I was with him.
Things were finally going somewhere and seriously with us.
It was the first time I snuck out to meet him.
The first time we kissed.
The first time I felt that rush.
I miss it/him so much, even though I'm like over it - I miss it. Its weird.
I just try and focus on his negatives and not the good times
but, it's so difficult.
I keep hoping maybe one night he'll text me.
Or I'll run into him at a party.
Just being on speaking terms again would be good.
I wanna see him at another party and not being angry towards him
but just sit and talk and catch up and be real.
And I feel like if we did that maybe he'd come back - realize the good.
But I don't get my hopes up.
I keep lookin' for the slightest sign
That you might miss what you left behind
I know there's nothing stopping you now
But I'd settle for a slow down
I held on longer than I should ..<3
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| meaning has been lost. |
[18 May 2008|12:47am] |
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i hate being such a picky person,
but even more i hate when a guy just wants to quote:
"do something with you".
i don't get around a lot , not because i'm purde, and i dont have a lot of relationships
(due to the fact that my ideal boyfriend is as rare as gas selling for .99 cents)
but i guess its took much these days if you'd like people and the things you do to mean something.
everyone just cares about getting fucked.
excellent.
it really brings me down.
i've been there and done the whole sneaking around thing
and it just leaves me feeling used.
i just want a decent boyfriend.
(or just more decent people all around)
or, maybe someday i think he will come back.
lamelamelame.
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| state of emergency. |
[12 May 2008|11:34pm] |
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i live in the part of florida that is currently under seige from arson fires.
this is one of the craziest experiences of my life.
i made it through the rough hurricane seasons a few years back
but i dont think they even compare to this catastrophe now.
at 2:20 PM we were evacuated from school when a fire was, literally, right across the street.
it was like a chaotic scene from the movie Cloverfield.
smoke filled the air, helicopters were whizzing by - i was splashed with water from them - streets were flooded with vehicles and sirens rang from every direction.
my house is a little less than two miles from the school and the grassland area there had been completely engulfed with flames.
51 houses so far have been a victim to the fire the last time i checked.
we have like 20mph winds that blow ash and ember in every direction
causing "spontaneous" fires to spring up everywhere and,
another massive fire has began about a mile behind my house.
my neighboorhood is surrounded by fires and i seem to be in a permanent state of shock.
the last time i watched the news, which i've been glued to, we had lost over 3000 acres of land, just in one section of of our community.
(there were 10 fires ALONE in the area of my highschool and are interstates are shut down and everyone is basically on a lock down - unless evacuated)
i really wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy.
i'm in a constant state of anxiety because you never know where a fire will spring up next - it's like a lottery.
myself and friend drove around in the open sectors to view some of the current damage (and to see if our higshchool had been damaged like reported) and it was like a scene from a movie.
smokey, bright orange flames, red and blue sirens, everything is so surreal.
i witnessed one of the most disheartening events during our trip.
a few streets down there was a house whose backyard was surrounded by flames,
they were slowly creeping closer and closer to the house (and due to the mass attack of fires there just isnt enough resources to go around) and the firefighters either hadn't arrived or just simply couldnt - so this man jut sat there and had to watch his house by swallowed up by the fire.
i can't even fathom losing my house, i mean everything you own and have worked for is in there, its you're shelter, your protection, and for it to be gone in a matter or minutes is unreal and scary - not to mention i feel so helpless.
i really hope to make it through the night successfully and my heart goes out to anyone who has lost their house and i can only hope the wind dies down and it rains so maybe Florida has a fighting chance in this fire epidemic.
<33
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| i worry and ramble too much. |
[28 Apr 2008|11:15pm] |
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does anyone ever feel as if they are in a constant state of being torn between two choices?
if seems that for as long as i can remember i have struggled to find a comfortable balance of myself.
i'm always torn between two things: who i am, and who i'd like to be.
i've always struggled with who i really am,
i can't find a comfortable balance of walking to the beat of my own drum, and "fitting in".
just like any human being i want to be liked by those around me,
i want boys to like me and ask me out,
i want a large group of friends who are fun.
and while i have most of that now, at times i feel like it's not worth it.
it's almost impossible for my to explain, and i feel like i sound like some mindless drone who only wants to buy materialistic items to fit in .. but its different than that.
.
i've lost a lot of myself within this past year.
while i've made drastic changes and done things i thought i'd never do,
while it has had some payoffs, over all -
i feel i've lost a strong sense of my love for life and have become very cynical.
the people i've come across who i thought were genuine have proved themselves to be
selfish, ugly people.
many major events have made me feel that the only way to make it
through life, or maybe just highschool, is by only watching out for yourself.
and ironically, in ap language we focus on great american novels
i.e the jungle, the grapes of wrath, the great gatsby, the sound and the fury
many of these novels have the central theme that is so fitting to my present:
humans are driven by their own selfish motives and kind acts go unnoticed as people take advantage of one another.
it infuriates me.
i don't ever remember being like this.
i wish i would come across more people who are decent and kind.
and on a side note,
today's economy is the most depressing thing.
gas is outrageous and thinking of the dreary future we face only saddens me more.
i can't imagine $5.00 a gallon gasoline and the price of food is rising rapidly.
i can't get a mental image out of my head of a new Great Depression occuring soon,
and Americans are left to suffer with no money for food or electricity, and we just have to wallow in our nation's poverty.
everything seems to gloomy lately.
i live for the far and few moments where i'm surrounded by those i care for
and we can have fun and i can set aside the nation's problems,
because for some reason they weigh heavily on me.
i need to not worry about it.
on top of this, i have SATs this saturday.
i had turned a new leaf a couple of weeks ago,
i realized the attitude i had was crummy and stubborn and unenjoyable.
so i stopped worrying so much and tried to just enjoy the beauty in the days i had,
and to appreciate the natural wonders around me
and to not get caught up in wasteful materialistic things.
i worked for a while and i felt good about myself and it didn't seem so horrible being stuck in my city.
but today was really the shit in the apple pie, and im back to being
crummy, cynical, resentful and unkind.
i need to get back to me.
i need to find what i've lost within this past year.
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[05 Apr 2008|09:55pm] |
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i feel like i'm at a new breaking point.
i can't stand much of anything anymore.
i'm so ready to be done with this god for saken town of mine.
maybe i'm just being cynical but, i feel like i can only rely on myself
and everyone is only driven by their own selfish motives.
no one seems to be genuine and real anymore.
i hate the feeling that i need to prove myself to
the people who i've shown from day one i'm nothing but good and trustworthy.
i don't have the time or energy to make them see what i've been showing from day one.
i'm ready to leave my house.
i know my family is supposed to drive me crazy
but, this is beyond fathomable.
my mom complains i've drifted from her
and that i don't talk to her but anytime i have, she doesnt listen.
it's obvious. and ridiculous.
my only priorities anymore are to go to school, educate myself,
come home sleep and do homework.
repeat.
i feel independent and and able to manage on my own, minus not being able to do my own laundry.
and although i already have my life after highschool planned out,
and everyday i beg for highschool to be over
at the same time i'm just as nervous and anxious about finally being on my own.
i've become such an angry person.
not at the world, but the people in it.
"There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak"
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